[It's YOUR FAULT, Dan Feng!!! Jing Yuan dares to roll his eyes, and then continues to be a pain by going limp and letting Dan Feng take his shoes off.]
[Dan Feng can scold him and mock him all he wants. Jing Yuan has chosen not to care, beyond the bitter satisfaction of seeing Dan Feng so unsatisfied with the result he asked for.]
If I am not permitted to be a person, I must become either a doll or a monster. So sorry my choice has disappointed you.
[Jing Yuan looks up at him with an empty expression. What's the point of being frustrated when there's no way to satisfy the man and no chance of reaching him?]
[The silence that settles over the room in the wake of Dan Feng's request is thick enough to suffocate. Jing Yuan doesn't have the power to do that. It's beyond his reach, but even if he could grasp it he wouldn't. The one thing he could never make himself do, regardless of the cost of failure, is to end any Dan Feng for good.
His chest clenches painfully, and his dead-eyed facade crumbles in favour of heartbreak.]
I am no longer the Dan Feng you know. Is that not enough?
[He's seen that heartbreak thousands of times and it was always the prelude to violence, but Jing Yuan doesn't seem like he's moving to hurt Dan Feng. Why isn't he? What's going on?]
You never were the Dan Feng I knew, as I have never been the Jing Yuan you knew.
[Dan Feng may not accept that, but Jing Yuan has no room to talk when he can no more bear to turn on this Dan Feng than on his own, even after all this suffering.]
I am not one of the Reignbow's chosen. I do not know if even that power could grant your death, but if I had it I still wouldn't try.
Why wouldn't you? After what I have done to you? To the Luofu?
[There's a new expression on his face -- discomfort, bordering on fear, that even like this he would not be inflicted with the retribution he so deserved. That there would be nothing to assuage the guilt of it all.]
[He winces slightly as he says it, visibly expecting it to earn him another violent punishment. He's terrified, and yet he hates that look on Dan Feng's face too much to flee. Instead he just places a gentle hand on Dan Feng's cheek.]
You can consider my refusal your punishment, Feng-ge. Until you bring mara onto me, I will not give you another.
[Those are words he've said to Jing Yuan thousands of times before, but he's never had them said to him.
He can't help it. He turns his face into Jing Yuan's hand, trying and miserably failing to not start crying. He pulls back immediately, stumbling back, because his tears are infectious too.]
I don't- I would never - I wouldn't bring mara onto you, I wouldn't -
[There are dangerous, toxic tears on Jing Yuan's hand and dripped onto his cheek. He doesn't seem to care. When Dan Feng backs away Jing Yuan sits, wiping his face with his sleeve. He stares at his hand for a moment, visibly considering putting his fingers in his mouth on purpose. The extent of Dan Feng's infectiousness is unknown to Jing Yuan, but he knows Denizens of Abundance inside and out and he knows what the likely risk is.
A miserable little thought worms its way through his mind, whispering how much easier it would be to simply let his mind slip away and end this particular suffering. But the agony of retaining awareness the way his friends have is too much to gamble on. And besides -- he may want to die, but he still wants it to be on his terms.
He wipes his hand as well, and watches Dan Feng with a blatantly confused expression.]
Isn't that what you've been trying to do this whole time?
[Dan Feng watches him contemplate with actual terror, hardly daring to breathe from where he's gone to stand at the foot of the mattresses pushed together.]
No? All these years I have hunted you and you never wavered. I would know if the mara has blossomed and you are too strong for it to take your mind like that-
[Despite his efforts to stay his emotion, his voice cracks on that one as the frustration bubbles up from under the placid surface.]
I have destroyed that which I love with my own hands! I am a wanted criminal, rejected by the Xianzhou Alliance! I have been alone, waiting to die, for half my life!
[And now they're both crying like big babies. Jing Yuan gestures clumsily as he tries to explain through the alcohol and the sharp pain in his chest, and compared to that other version of himself, he looks as fragile as he feels.]
I am not strong enough to bear what that man does, Dan Feng. Every time you touch me I wonder if this is when I'll lose myself. Why is that so hard for you to understand!?
[There's so much to unpack there that Dan Feng doesn't even know what to start, but the most immediate one is:]
You are. You are strong. You are still alive because of your convictions, in spite of what has happened, both by your hand or not. I am only alive because of the Plagues Author's blessing.
[He doesn't know what to do with a Jing Yuan who was fragile, who had not grown to match Dan Feng blow for blow in every way.]
You are stronger than me in all the ways that matter.
So you say, but you continue to make my life an endless stream of tortures. If you want me to live through that, you may as well pour your blood into my mouth right now.
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Re: late night 14/15
[He doesn't actually believe that, but he feels like one, and he's been treated like one, and he's spiteful and inebriated enough to say it.]
There is no need for manners in a mere object.
Re: late night 14/15
Don't be intentionally moronic.
[Before he crouches down to start taking his stupid shoes off.]
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[It's YOUR FAULT, Dan Feng!!! Jing Yuan dares to roll his eyes, and then continues to be a pain by going limp and letting Dan Feng take his shoes off.]
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[He can enjoy the look of outrage at the eye roll, and Dan Feng's slight struggle with taking off his shoes. Why won't you cooperate.]
You broke so easily it's laughable.
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[Dan Feng can scold him and mock him all he wants. Jing Yuan has chosen not to care, beyond the bitter satisfaction of seeing Dan Feng so unsatisfied with the result he asked for.]
If I am not permitted to be a person, I must become either a doll or a monster. So sorry my choice has disappointed you.
Re: late night 14/15
This is not how you are supposed to be. You should not be so compliant.
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[Jing Yuan looks up at him with an empty expression. What's the point of being frustrated when there's no way to satisfy the man and no chance of reaching him?]
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His chest clenches painfully, and his dead-eyed facade crumbles in favour of heartbreak.]
...I can't.
Re: late night 14/15
[He's seen that heartbreak thousands of times and it was always the prelude to violence, but Jing Yuan doesn't seem like he's moving to hurt Dan Feng. Why isn't he? What's going on?]
Re: late night 14/15
[Dan Feng may not accept that, but Jing Yuan has no room to talk when he can no more bear to turn on this Dan Feng than on his own, even after all this suffering.]
I am not one of the Reignbow's chosen. I do not know if even that power could grant your death, but if I had it I still wouldn't try.
Re: late night 14/15
[There's a new expression on his face -- discomfort, bordering on fear, that even like this he would not be inflicted with the retribution he so deserved. That there would be nothing to assuage the guilt of it all.]
Re: late night 14/15
[He winces slightly as he says it, visibly expecting it to earn him another violent punishment. He's terrified, and yet he hates that look on Dan Feng's face too much to flee. Instead he just places a gentle hand on Dan Feng's cheek.]
You can consider my refusal your punishment, Feng-ge. Until you bring mara onto me, I will not give you another.
Re: late night 14/15
He can't help it. He turns his face into Jing Yuan's hand, trying and miserably failing to not start crying. He pulls back immediately, stumbling back, because his tears are infectious too.]
I don't- I would never - I wouldn't bring mara onto you, I wouldn't -
Re: late night 14/15
A miserable little thought worms its way through his mind, whispering how much easier it would be to simply let his mind slip away and end this particular suffering. But the agony of retaining awareness the way his friends have is too much to gamble on. And besides -- he may want to die, but he still wants it to be on his terms.
He wipes his hand as well, and watches Dan Feng with a blatantly confused expression.]
Isn't that what you've been trying to do this whole time?
Re: late night 14/15
No? All these years I have hunted you and you never wavered. I would know if the mara has blossomed and you are too strong for it to take your mind like that-
Re: late night 14/15
[Despite his efforts to stay his emotion, his voice cracks on that one as the frustration bubbles up from under the placid surface.]
I have destroyed that which I love with my own hands! I am a wanted criminal, rejected by the Xianzhou Alliance! I have been alone, waiting to die, for half my life!
[And now they're both crying like big babies. Jing Yuan gestures clumsily as he tries to explain through the alcohol and the sharp pain in his chest, and compared to that other version of himself, he looks as fragile as he feels.]
I am not strong enough to bear what that man does, Dan Feng. Every time you touch me I wonder if this is when I'll lose myself. Why is that so hard for you to understand!?
Re: late night 14/15
You are. You are strong. You are still alive because of your convictions, in spite of what has happened, both by your hand or not. I am only alive because of the Plagues Author's blessing.
[He doesn't know what to do with a Jing Yuan who was fragile, who had not grown to match Dan Feng blow for blow in every way.]
You are stronger than me in all the ways that matter.
Re: late night 14/15
It's miserable. He sighs, too emotionally exhausted to keep yelling, and instead just crumples with face in hands.]
No. I'm not. I am alive because of-- of guilt and obligations I must carry. And the more you pick me apart, the less I want to keep carrying them.
Re: late night 14/15
But I don't want you to stop. I want you to live.
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[THEREFORE, that is the only option. See he is using logic.]
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You could try shutting up and letting me decide what happens to me, first of all.
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