You never were the Dan Feng I knew, as I have never been the Jing Yuan you knew.
[Dan Feng may not accept that, but Jing Yuan has no room to talk when he can no more bear to turn on this Dan Feng than on his own, even after all this suffering.]
I am not one of the Reignbow's chosen. I do not know if even that power could grant your death, but if I had it I still wouldn't try.
Why wouldn't you? After what I have done to you? To the Luofu?
[There's a new expression on his face -- discomfort, bordering on fear, that even like this he would not be inflicted with the retribution he so deserved. That there would be nothing to assuage the guilt of it all.]
[He winces slightly as he says it, visibly expecting it to earn him another violent punishment. He's terrified, and yet he hates that look on Dan Feng's face too much to flee. Instead he just places a gentle hand on Dan Feng's cheek.]
You can consider my refusal your punishment, Feng-ge. Until you bring mara onto me, I will not give you another.
[Those are words he've said to Jing Yuan thousands of times before, but he's never had them said to him.
He can't help it. He turns his face into Jing Yuan's hand, trying and miserably failing to not start crying. He pulls back immediately, stumbling back, because his tears are infectious too.]
I don't- I would never - I wouldn't bring mara onto you, I wouldn't -
[There are dangerous, toxic tears on Jing Yuan's hand and dripped onto his cheek. He doesn't seem to care. When Dan Feng backs away Jing Yuan sits, wiping his face with his sleeve. He stares at his hand for a moment, visibly considering putting his fingers in his mouth on purpose. The extent of Dan Feng's infectiousness is unknown to Jing Yuan, but he knows Denizens of Abundance inside and out and he knows what the likely risk is.
A miserable little thought worms its way through his mind, whispering how much easier it would be to simply let his mind slip away and end this particular suffering. But the agony of retaining awareness the way his friends have is too much to gamble on. And besides -- he may want to die, but he still wants it to be on his terms.
He wipes his hand as well, and watches Dan Feng with a blatantly confused expression.]
Isn't that what you've been trying to do this whole time?
[Dan Feng watches him contemplate with actual terror, hardly daring to breathe from where he's gone to stand at the foot of the mattresses pushed together.]
No? All these years I have hunted you and you never wavered. I would know if the mara has blossomed and you are too strong for it to take your mind like that-
[Despite his efforts to stay his emotion, his voice cracks on that one as the frustration bubbles up from under the placid surface.]
I have destroyed that which I love with my own hands! I am a wanted criminal, rejected by the Xianzhou Alliance! I have been alone, waiting to die, for half my life!
[And now they're both crying like big babies. Jing Yuan gestures clumsily as he tries to explain through the alcohol and the sharp pain in his chest, and compared to that other version of himself, he looks as fragile as he feels.]
I am not strong enough to bear what that man does, Dan Feng. Every time you touch me I wonder if this is when I'll lose myself. Why is that so hard for you to understand!?
[There's so much to unpack there that Dan Feng doesn't even know what to start, but the most immediate one is:]
You are. You are strong. You are still alive because of your convictions, in spite of what has happened, both by your hand or not. I am only alive because of the Plagues Author's blessing.
[He doesn't know what to do with a Jing Yuan who was fragile, who had not grown to match Dan Feng blow for blow in every way.]
You are stronger than me in all the ways that matter.
So you say, but you continue to make my life an endless stream of tortures. If you want me to live through that, you may as well pour your blood into my mouth right now.
[This is the look of a guy who is not convinced. Or the look of a guy who has spent about 90% of his conscious existence doing things dictated by someone else. He toes the mattress and crouches down, and for the first time since they probably made the contract, he doesn't immediately tilt into Jing Yuan's space.]
Then you must accept that there will be times when you need to strike me down. I may agree with you now but I will not be able to recognize you later.
[Jing Yuan can't help but flinch a little when Dan Feng approaches. But he doesn't invade his personal space, and gradually he begins to truly untense.
Putting Dan Feng down, though... Even temporarily, that's a nightmare. But he understands this is already all the concessions he can be given. Jing Yuan has to bear his part of it, too.]
[He doesn't want to think about it too much. He's had enough terror and flashbacks for one day. He stretches, sighs, and flops back over rather than deal with it. The look on Dan Feng's face is worrying though, so he tentatively reaches out to poke his knee.]
[He turns his head to look at the door - he doesn't understand why he's now dreading Dan Heng coming back - then back at him, before getting to his feet.]
I will get you some water first. How much did you have to drink?
[While grumbling his answer, Jing Yuan wiggles further up on the mattress until his head finds a pillow. He's not planning to sleep, but he can at least get comfortable.]
Enough to be able to have this conversation.
[It was enough to make him Actually Drunk but not enough to get him Wasted. He can't remember the numbers and he doesn't care.]
[Dan Feng gives him a look as he comes back with a glass of water. It is his 'I am going to give you a lecture because you're being stupid and I have opinions' look.]
...was it good alcohol at least? [He crouches down and holds the glass out.]
[He squints at the glass for a moment, unwilling to sit back up to drink it but aware that he really needs it. Eventually he half-sits, just enough to take it, chug the whole thing, and hand it back.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Re: late night 14/15
[Dan Feng may not accept that, but Jing Yuan has no room to talk when he can no more bear to turn on this Dan Feng than on his own, even after all this suffering.]
I am not one of the Reignbow's chosen. I do not know if even that power could grant your death, but if I had it I still wouldn't try.
Re: late night 14/15
[There's a new expression on his face -- discomfort, bordering on fear, that even like this he would not be inflicted with the retribution he so deserved. That there would be nothing to assuage the guilt of it all.]
Re: late night 14/15
[He winces slightly as he says it, visibly expecting it to earn him another violent punishment. He's terrified, and yet he hates that look on Dan Feng's face too much to flee. Instead he just places a gentle hand on Dan Feng's cheek.]
You can consider my refusal your punishment, Feng-ge. Until you bring mara onto me, I will not give you another.
Re: late night 14/15
He can't help it. He turns his face into Jing Yuan's hand, trying and miserably failing to not start crying. He pulls back immediately, stumbling back, because his tears are infectious too.]
I don't- I would never - I wouldn't bring mara onto you, I wouldn't -
Re: late night 14/15
A miserable little thought worms its way through his mind, whispering how much easier it would be to simply let his mind slip away and end this particular suffering. But the agony of retaining awareness the way his friends have is too much to gamble on. And besides -- he may want to die, but he still wants it to be on his terms.
He wipes his hand as well, and watches Dan Feng with a blatantly confused expression.]
Isn't that what you've been trying to do this whole time?
Re: late night 14/15
No? All these years I have hunted you and you never wavered. I would know if the mara has blossomed and you are too strong for it to take your mind like that-
Re: late night 14/15
[Despite his efforts to stay his emotion, his voice cracks on that one as the frustration bubbles up from under the placid surface.]
I have destroyed that which I love with my own hands! I am a wanted criminal, rejected by the Xianzhou Alliance! I have been alone, waiting to die, for half my life!
[And now they're both crying like big babies. Jing Yuan gestures clumsily as he tries to explain through the alcohol and the sharp pain in his chest, and compared to that other version of himself, he looks as fragile as he feels.]
I am not strong enough to bear what that man does, Dan Feng. Every time you touch me I wonder if this is when I'll lose myself. Why is that so hard for you to understand!?
Re: late night 14/15
You are. You are strong. You are still alive because of your convictions, in spite of what has happened, both by your hand or not. I am only alive because of the Plagues Author's blessing.
[He doesn't know what to do with a Jing Yuan who was fragile, who had not grown to match Dan Feng blow for blow in every way.]
You are stronger than me in all the ways that matter.
Re: late night 14/15
It's miserable. He sighs, too emotionally exhausted to keep yelling, and instead just crumples with face in hands.]
No. I'm not. I am alive because of-- of guilt and obligations I must carry. And the more you pick me apart, the less I want to keep carrying them.
Re: late night 14/15
But I don't want you to stop. I want you to live.
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15
[THEREFORE, that is the only option. See he is using logic.]
Re: late night 14/15
You could try shutting up and letting me decide what happens to me, first of all.
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15
Then you must accept that there will be times when you need to strike me down. I may agree with you now but I will not be able to recognize you later.
Re: late night 14/15
Putting Dan Feng down, though... Even temporarily, that's a nightmare. But he understands this is already all the concessions he can be given. Jing Yuan has to bear his part of it, too.]
...I understand.
Re: late night 14/15
The- [He cants his head.] The horn. The broken one. If you aim for it correctly it can render me immobile.
Re: late night 14/15
[He doesn't want to think about it too much. He's had enough terror and flashbacks for one day. He stretches, sighs, and flops back over rather than deal with it. The look on Dan Feng's face is worrying though, so he tentatively reaches out to poke his knee.]
Come and sleep?
Re: late night 14/15
I will get you some water first. How much did you have to drink?
Re: late night 14/15
Enough to be able to have this conversation.
[It was enough to make him Actually Drunk but not enough to get him Wasted. He can't remember the numbers and he doesn't care.]
Re: late night 14/15
...was it good alcohol at least? [He crouches down and holds the glass out.]
Re: late night 14/15
[He squints at the glass for a moment, unwilling to sit back up to drink it but aware that he really needs it. Eventually he half-sits, just enough to take it, chug the whole thing, and hand it back.]
...Especially not if I want my sword.
Re: late night 14/15
He vaguely knows this is not the right time to ask but Dan Feng has no impulse control so he asks anyway.]
Why not ask for your glaive?
Re: late night 14/15
[He says it in a matter-of-fact tone, but he doesnt look at Dan Feng when he does. The shame will surely eat him alive if he acknowledges it.]
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15
Re: late night 14/15